Personal

I have been feeling extremely suicidal for weeks now and no one knows. My family and boyfriend know about my depression, but apparently it’s no big deal to them because they never ask if it’s getting better. They only assume that I’m doing good because I’ve been faking a smile, I stopped cutting, and saying that I’m fine, but shouldn’t people that actually care and know me so well know that I’m struggling so bad? I know I haven’t cut myself in about six months, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it every single day. I feel like I’m drowning more and more each day and no one even cares to try to save me. Every time I’m alone, I contemplate whether I should kill myself or not. The last time I was home alone, I stood over the sink with a knife in my hand ready to end my life. I didn’t do it because I started bawling and had second thoughts. But does anyone know that or care to ask? NOPE. I just wish someone would care enough to see that I’m struggling and try to make me feel better. My boyfriend makes me feel loved, but he doesn’t know how I’m feeling and how suicidal I am, so it does’t really help me. My family doesn’t care about my feelings at all. When the doctor first diagnosed me with severe depression, my parents were nice to me for one week. ONE WEEK, then they went back to treating me like they normally do; excluding me, calling me names, and being inconsiderate towards me. I don’t have any friends that would care, I don’t have any friends at all. I spend most of my time in my room crying and wanting to die, but I don’t tell anyone. I’ve been keeping this a secret for so long now, I’ve been depressed for over a year, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to. I see a therapist once a month, but she only makes me feel better for a few days, then I go back to wanting to cut myself. I haven’t cut in so long, just because I don’t want to make people feel pity for me when they see the cuts. I don’t want anyone’s pity, I just want a friend. I’m so pathetic, I used to have so many friends and now I’m so lonely. Maybe I should end my life. I have nothing to look forward to in my life. I have no friends, my family hates me, people at school hate me, I can;t get a job no matter how hard I try, and my GPA as year was 2.6 so I won’t be able to get into any good college. So where is my life headed after all this failure? I don’t know and I really don’t want to find out. I’ll write here again when I decide to end it. Bye for now.